Have you ever found yourself in a toxic work environment? Maybe a toxic relationship? I remember one particularly unfulfilling and exhausting afternoon at my desk, looking up and asking God, “why am I here?! Am I doomed to feel like this forever?” The industry I was in could not have been more toxic. To start, it took a couple of years to learn what “boundaries” meant at work (maybe I’m still working on it to be honest). But the hardest part was there was no limit to the time I could put in; because when your worth is measured by your time, you never have enough, so I never felt worth enough. If any time was my own, it felt strangely disobedient, and was a reminder how much more time I would have to put in for my clients. The limit truly didn’t exist, and there was no one to say “you’re working too much” or “you should take some time away” rather, burning out was rewarded with promotions and nice pay raises, and so I stayed in the cycle for years. But it came at a cost. I never felt like enough, because I simply could never work enough.
It was so toxic, that I would find organizations to volunteer with, just so I could spend my energy elsewhere, and leave work a little early once a month and not feel guilty. How could the firm be mad at someone helping the community? But the truth was, I just wanted an escape, and if my time wasn’t spent on clients, at least if it was at a non-profit it wouldn’t reflect poorly on me. [I feel terrible even admitting this, but in the spirit of transparency, I hope that my story frees someone reading this.]
I grew up in a highly individualistic family culture. Asking for help did not come naturally, and hard work was exemplified by each of my grandparents and parents alike. I was always told to work hard, and anything was possible. After all, that is what Colossians says right? So, it seemed fitting that I had to work hard, I just never knew that it would be so… all consuming.
Back to my desk and asking God to release me from this job in the hopes He had put me in the wrong career field. Maybe I had missed something, so I cracked open Colossians 3, starting at the 23rd verse: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” I know this I thought, I love God, and if I am to work as if for him, I have to give this my all. It was like I could feel my spirit sigh, that I was living as told, and being burnt out was just the natural result. Then the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit nudged me. He said:
“If you were working for me, you would always feel like enough.”
That got my attention. Absolutely, God wants us to give our best effort while working, but what would it mean to work for God? For one, He quite literally calls us to rest. He created the Sabbath so that we would abstain from work, because He knew we weren’t made to work 24/7/365. (Funny how our creator knows what we can handle!) I find it humbling to be reminded that God even rested when He made the universe on the 7th day (Genesis 2:2), so why can’t we once in a while? Furthermore, God desires for us to get to know Him and spend time with Him; if we are going through the motions and constantly filled with work… then we leave no space for Him. Surely that’s not what He would want! I had to contend with the truth that I had made work an idol. It did often come before him. I would be so tired that I had convinced myself there was no time to spend with Him or in His word.
I started weeping, I had to do some reevaluating. He soon after led me out of that career path and to a very different environment. Do you feel like your current career allows you to spend time with Him? Do you know what it’s like to make work an idol too?
Go be free, and know that no matter what you do, you are enough.
Her Office Closet 